Salicam

Most of the first act of Henry V is taken up with a long scene in Harry’s throne room, commencing with the Archbishop’s detailed (and this is Shakespeare, so it’s very detailed) explanation of Henry’s claim to the French throne, discussing the doctrine In Terram Salicam Mulieres Ne Succedant. (“Salicam” was a famous voyeuristic website in Plantagenet times. It was popular with young noblemen, because Sally could often be seen removing her wimple.) I think I’d like to discuss the Archbishop’s argument at some length. It runs roughly like this: Firstly, you need to examine the French Royal Family tree. The way to analyse the claim to the crown is to work from elder child to younger, which on the following diagram is represented by working from left to right. Only once a person’s line has died out can you move on to the next line across.

Here’s the family tree as far as Edward III:

Basically, the French argument is that Salic law applies. Salic law says that no-one can claim the crown through a female line. Therefore Edward III of England could not claim the French crown through his mother, the French princess Isabella, on the death of Charles IV of France. Accordingly no-one in the line of Philip IV of France has survived with a valid claim. You therefore have to move to the right, and the crown passes down the line of the late Count of Valois.

The archbishop’s argument is that the French are wrong. Salic law does not apply in France itself, only to an area of Germany once colonised by the French. Accordingly a claim through a female line is not ruled out. There are three precedents for a successful claim to the French throne through a female line. Accordingly, the line of Philip IV of France has not died out, and the descendants of Edward III (not the descendants of the Count of Valois) are the true kings of France.

Unfortunately, this argument is, as the Australians put it, fucked. You can see why if you follow the family tree onwards, beyond Edward III:

Do you see the problem? If Salic law doesn’t apply and a claim to the French crown can be established down a female line, then clearly Edmund Mortimer is king of France, since he can claim through his grandmother Philippa.

It boils down to the archbishop saying: Edward III should have been king of France, according to a strict and careful interpretation the family tree in light of the legal precedents and the non-applicability of Salic law. You are the heir to Edward III by a rather vaguer sequence of events which involves a deposition and murder (of Richard II), and applying Salic law to the line of Lionel of Clarence. Therefore you are king of France. QED.

HENRY:                     May I, with right and conscience, make this claim?

ARCHBISHOP:         No.

Henry V - Medieval Telephone Book

I remember once saying to someone that I thought performing a full text version of Henry V would be like performing a telephone book. I didn’t really mean much by that, except to say that the play, definitely one of Shakespeare’s best, is tiresomely long in its full text, and contains many passages which are unnecessary, easily cut, difficult to play, difficult to follow, difficult not to yawn over, or filled with cross-references to other plays or long-forgotten history.

Rethinking that off-the-cuff comment of mine, recently, I noticed that there really are passages of Henry V that do read like a telephone book. Basically just lists of names. I therefore present, for your entertainment, my own abridgement of the play - almost as long as some performed versions - “Henry V - Medieval Telephone Book”:

ARCHBISHOP:         Charles the Great... King Pharamond...

                                    King Pepin, which deposed Childeric,

                                                               ... descended

                                    Of Blithild, which was daughter to King Clothair.

                                    Hugh Capet also, who usurped the crown

                                    Of Charles the Duke of Lorraine, sole heir male...

                                                          ... of Charles the Great

                                    ... Conveyed himself as heir to the Lady Lingard,

                                    Daughter to Charlemagne, who was the son

                                    To Louis the Emperor, and Louis the son

                                    Of Charles the Great. Also King Louis the Ninth,

                                           ... fair Queen Isabel, his grandmother,

                                    Was lineal of the Lady Ermengard,

                                    Daughter to Charles the foresaid Duke of Lorraine...

                                    King Pepin’s title, and Hugh Capet’s claim,

                                    King Louis his satisfaction...

                                    ... your great uncle, Edward the Black Prince

CHORUS:                  One, Richard Earl of Cambridge, and the second,

                                    Henry Lord Scroop of Masham, and the third,

                                    Sir Thomas Grey, knight, of Northumberland.

FRENCH KING:       ...the Dukes of Berry and of Bretagne,

                                    Of Brabant and of Orleans...

                                    And you, Prince Dauphin.

                                    Charles Delabreth, High Constable of France,

                                    You dukes of Orleans, Bourbon and of Berry,

                                    Alencon, Brabant, Bar and Burgundy,

                                    Jacques Chatillon, Rambures, Vaudemont,

                                    Beaumont, Grandpre, Roussi and Fauconbridge,

                                    Foix, Lestrelles, Boucicault and Charolias,

                                    High dukes, great princes, barons, lords and knights.

SALISBURY:                                ... my noble lord of Bedford,

                                    My dear lord Gloucester, and my good lord Exeter.

HENRY:                     Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,

                                    Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester

EXETER:                    Charles, Duke of Orleans, nephew to the King;

                                    John, Duke of Bourbon, and Lord Boucicault.

HENRY:                     Charles Delabreth, High Constable of France;

                                    Jacques of Chatillon, Admiral of France;

                                    The Master of the Crossbows, Lord Rambures;

                                    Great Master of France, the brave Sir Guichard Dauphin;

                                    John, Duke of Alencon; Anthony Duke of Brabant,

                                    The brother to the Duke of Burgundy;

                                    And Edward, Duke of Bar: of lusty earls,

                                    Grandpre and Roussi, Fauconbridge and Foix,

                                    Beaumont and Marle, Vaudemont and Lestrelles.

                                    ... Edward the Duke of York; the Earl of Suffolk;

                                    Sir Richard Keighley; Davy Gam, esquire

                                                                        ... uncle Exeter,

                                    And brother Clarence, and you, brother Gloucester,

                                    Warwick and Huntingdon.

FINIS

The Rosalind Game

This Shakespearean drinking game is based on a sequence in As You Like It in which the love-sick Orlando is writing lots of poems to his beloved Rosalind, on trees. (This was the done thing in the days before literary agents.)  Touchstone makes fun of these, making up some of his own. This is surprisingly easy to do, and gives rise to “The Rosalind Game” - one of the very few decent Shakespearian drinking games. You get a slow rhythm going, and you go round the table in a circle, making up Rosalind couplets - ie two ΄˘΄˘΄˘΄ lines in which the first line rhymes with “Rosalind” and the second line ends with the word “Rosalind”. (You are allowed to use the “lind”, “linde”, “lin” or “line” pronunciations, and it's best not to be too strict about the metre!) Anybody who can't think of one in time drinks two fingers.

Here are a couple of Shakespeare’s, to give us the idea. First, this is Orlando’s:

Let no face be kept in mind,

But the fair of Rosalinde.

... and this is Touchstone’s:

Sweetest nut hath sourest rind -

Such a nut is Rosalinde.

... and now, some suggestions for the game:

Forgive me Father, I have sinned,

I've just had sex with Rosalind.

A competition I have winned:

To find strange rhymes for “Rosalind”.

I've tied her to this bed with twine,

And now I'll spank my Rosaline.

She is tall and she is thin

Like a beanpole, Rosalin.

Cecelia is nice and kind

The nasty one is Rosalinde.

For your love away I’ve pined,

Oh, my darling Rosalinde.

I saw a film with Kevin Kline

And a girl called Rosaline.

She runs her fingers up my spine,

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Rosaline.

The George Medal has been pinned

To the breast of Rosalind.

I've softened her with food and wine

Now I'll propose to Rosaline.

She’s either tripletted or quinned;

Very pregnant Rosalind.

Percussion, strings and brass and wind -

The orchestra of Rosalind.

I live in Brixham which is twinned

With the town of Rosalind.

If jam is jarred and beans are tinned

Does that mean Rosaline is “skinned”?

I know a girl who’s got the wind;

Smelly, farty, Rosalind.

Birds are winged and fish are finned

But I am "armed" - like Rosalind.

“All these poems should by binned”

Is the view of Rosalind.

... and a personal favourite, although probably not strictly within the rules:

Skwidgelly, skwodgelly, skwudgelly, skwind

Flubba-dubba-dum-dum Rosalind.

Introduction

Shakespeare is truly over-rated. Vastly, hugely and impossibly over-rated. Everything he and his characters ever said or did is revered, analysed, regurgitated, theorised, deconstructed and BORED ON ABOUT to the point where the whole world has blinded itself to the fundamental truth that Shakespeare really is a big pile of old shite. A huge, festering, mountain of poo. A monumental, overhyped, substanceless mass of stinking guano. In short, it is crap.

And it’s not just Shakespeare, oh no, it’s also the people who talk about and write about Shakespeare: the academics, the teachers, the students, the actors and directors; everybody who has been sucked into the great Shakespeare quagmire. They are all crap, too.

This blog offers the cynic’s guide to Shakespeare. It takes the lid off the myth and tells you, in unflinching detail, exactly what is wrong with Shakespeare and his works.

Why Shakespeare Is Crap